Poutine et Medvedev vont dans un restaurant haut de gamme

Putin and Medvedev go to a high class restaurant.

Putin says to the waiter "For the meat I want a rib-eye steak, medium rare. The potatos are to be baked with sour cream".

The waiter asks "what about the vegetable?"

Putin looks at Medvedev and back to the waiter and says, "He'll have the same"

Ahiiii c'est vilain

Le 12 août 2021 à 23:49:40 :
Ahiiii c'est vilain

Pas mal n'est-ce pas
Désolé les anglophobes, la blague ne fonctionne pas en français

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.
- Why, Putin asks him?

- Ah, I can't find myself with these times:
- I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
- I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
- I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
- I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.

- Well, these are just minor awkwardness, Putin answered him
- Any minor issues? Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I call them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet !!

l'op à quoi tu joues bordel ?https://image.noelshack.com/fichiers/2020/51/4/1608225266-ahifondunet.png

Ahiiii les meurtres commanditéshttps://image.noelshack.com/fichiers/2021/32/4/1628805314-hihi.png

Le 12 août 2021 à 23:55:00 :
l'op à quoi tu joues bordel ?https://image.noelshack.com/fichiers/2020/51/4/1608225266-ahifondunet.png

A se faire assassiner par ce bon vieux Vladimirhttps://image.noelshack.com/fichiers/2021/32/4/1628805348-hihi.png

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice;
"One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred of yours!"
Annoyed, the Soviet general sends hundred men to capture the hill. There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again. Suddenly, the same voice yells out;
"One Finnish soldier is better than thousand of Soviet soldiers!"
Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs.
For half an hour hell breaks loose, bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again.
One Soviet soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered.
Before the general could say anything, the soldier says;
"Do not send more troops, comrade general, it's a trap! There is two of them."

An American,Englishman and a Russian applied to be CIA agents. They go through every single test and pass with flying colors. For their final test they are given a pistol and led inside a room with their wife tied to a chair and they have to kill her. The american goes into the room and comes out 5 minutes later.

-"I couldn't do it,I'm sorry." He says and gives the gun to his superiors.

The Englishman walks in,comes out 10 minutes later.
-"I couldn't do it." He says,giving the gun to his superiors

The Russian walks in the room and several shots can be heard. Followed by screaming,crashing,breaking. He walks out 10 minutes later,sweating. He says:

"You fuckers gave me a prop gun,I had to finish her with the chair!"

Je suis anglophone mais j'ai pas compris la blague. Je dois être con.

Le 12 août 2021 à 23:58:21 :
Je suis anglophone mais j'ai pas compris la blague. Je dois être con.

Medvedev est un légume

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: “I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.” Putin asks, “Why blue?” Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”.

Stalin sits next to Lenin near his deathbed. Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you." Stalin responds: "Don't worry Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and other half will follow you."

Why do Stasi officers travel in threes?
One can read, one can write and the other keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

Ahiii celui de la femme est bienhttps://image.noelshack.com/fichiers/2021/32/5/1628805744-hihi.png

Celle sur l'avion est pas mal

An old man sits studying on a bench near the Kremlin. A KGB agent walking by looks at him suspiciously, but passes without comment. But an hour and passing two more times passing later, the agent asks: "Why are you sitting here for so long, what are you doing?" Old man: "I am an old man and don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven, and as you know, people speak Hebrew in heaven. So I am studying Hebrew to come well prepared". "Ha", answers the agent sarcastically: "And what if you go to hell?". Old man: "Well, I am already fluent in Russian".

sympa

During glasnost and perestroika - a man is standing in line to purchase meat for several hours when it is announced that the supplies have run out and there is no more for that day.
While he loudly complains about the government's inability to provide for its citizens, a man in a trench coat wearing dark glasses approaches him and says, "please comrade - calm yourself, need I remind you that not so long ago you would be shot for such an outburst?"
Our man thanks the stranger and walks home; his wife sees him coming up the walk empty-handed and meets him at the door; "Don't tell me, they ran out of meat again?!"
"No", he says, "it's worse - now they're out of bullets."